This is part of my series of posts counting down to and through the Thanksgiving holidays and expressing my thankfulness for something I’ve received, experienced or participated in.
A Good Day.
Yesterday was a good day. I would love to say I never took good days for granted, but until several years ago, I didn’t let myself fully bask in good days. Whenever I got close to basking, I would feel guilty. There was always too much to be done and too many people hurting. How could I be gleeful at a good day? How could I let myself forget all the troubles of the world around me?
To add to that, I was a perfectionist. My need for things to be the way I thought they should be was violent. And when I say that, I mean order in things I could easily control. Things that don’t matter. Like the carpet or the dishes. What helped prolong it is I effected a demeanor to coworkers and friends and most of my family of being easy going. Sometimes it’s laughable to me that people thought I was so cool about living life and often commented on it. But then the violence was mostly internal.
Having a mental breakdown cured that, and no, I’m not going to rehash it here. I’ll just say I ran out of gas and all that angst had to go away. I’m sorry it took that kind of upheaval for me to wake up. And if there is one regret I have in life (and I have several), it’s my stubbornness to not see what I was doing. I thank the Lord for His infinite wisdom and how He helped me see it, which is a whole ‘nother story not for this blog.
All I know today is I’m way past the control freak girl who would have squirmed uncomfortably at the dinner table yesterday because her daughter placed big, fat, red salt and pepper shakers covered with smudges from being on the stove, onto the elegantly laid dinner table done in burgundy and white. I’m way past the control freak girl who would have looked at that sweet daughter’s smiling face and said harshly, “No! Where are the crystal shakers?!” Or she would have done everything herself because she didn’t trust anyone else to do it “right”. That girl was incapable of fully enjoying the talking and laughing during the meal and certainly wouldn’t have let herself enjoy the food she cooked. Thankfully, that girl is gone.
The new girl was there and having a great time, and for one brief moment when she spied the red shakers, was aware of how far she’s come in the pursuit of life and happiness.
By the way, a good day today means I will not be out at the stores shopping on Black Friday. :D