Diary of an RA Fan — Part 28 Battling the Free Fall

See Diary Part 27 here, or to access all entries, hit “The Diary” tab above.

Entry — a few weeks later, November 2008:

All of this reflection is wearing me out. I knew instinctively why I didn’t ever want to write my thoughts. But SO said I would benefit?! Oh yeah, I can see that. What was the point again? To wallow in all the things that dissatisfy me? A few weeks ago I did think it was a good thing. Now I’ll have to eventually burn this so the kids won’t see it. And I had thought this might be something for them. LOL! No way in hell.


I’m still watching Spooks. Five shows in, and this last was one of the best. Richard Armitage, you are something else. And I just thought you couldn’t top your sexiness as Guy of Gisborne. Wrong. Still so sexy while in all that lovely turmoil. Oh, that turmoil looked that good. I’m also still trying to figure out how you can look so weak and yet masculine at the same time.

Still amazed that no one I know has ever heard of him! No, I’m wrong. Pat had heard of him. She immediately responded when I put the Guy video on my Facebook wall, but then she asked me not to talk about it on FB. What is she so afraid of? Tammi just laughed when I put up the video. She’s just like SO who laughs at most things. But the truth is she thinks I’m nuts and frequently, gently tells me I’m having a little mid-life breakdown. I don’t appear to listen, but I think she’s right. I sound like an idiot, and my mind is kicked into overdrive, and that’s saying something since I’ve always had difficulty falling asleep because my mind WILL NOT SLOW DOWN! The doctors keep trying to hang me with bi-polar, but I refuse to accept it. If they were ever successful in labeling me, it would be a bit of hell to ever again be taken seriously. But something is wrong, and I can’t ignore the fact there are several in my family who are diagnosed with it.

Mom has never been diagnosed, but if she’s not bi-polar, I’m wondering what makes her so “eccentric.” Oh heck, she’s classic. Super, super highs and then terrible, terrible lows. Last summer she was too sick to be anything but a nice, steady calm, and it allowed me to con myself into believing some fantasy about how she is. Usually she is such a roller coaster ride, I don’t think I was bored once as a child. There was a buzz always permeating the house. I used to drown it out with tv. Mom used something else to make it stop.

What was I thinking to get excited about a long trip with her to a place far, faraway. Auntie Mame on the set of Spooks? I need to be afraid, and I would be, but I really do want to go to England, and I swear it has nothing to do with Richard Armitage. I want to see all of the “family” places Mom wants to show me. Yeah, I’m itching to hear about Great Grandfather Abraham and all he achieved. Somehow that will edify.

But I’m not going to stop with this Richard Armitage thing; it soothes me. I’m going to keep at it. And I think I’m over my concern about objectifying him too much ’cause I know I am objectifying him — some. When I think of really objectifying a man, I don’t think of someone like him. I think of someone like Hrithik Roshan. He is an object waiting happen. No, even him I can’t fully objectify. I saw an interview, and he was so earnest about making it as a serious actor that my heart went out to him. He is beautiful, and I’m sure no one can get around that in his presence, but how do you make it as a serious actor when you look like that?! I hope he’s successful. What am I saying? I don’t even know these people, but it’s much easier for me to say something like that than to examine what I want.

I watched Dhoom2 again the other night. What a crazy movie. The old phrase about a kaleidoscope is apt. And as with everything else, it piqued my curiosity. I’m now intensely wondering what the Indian people are really like.

Present day:

I have come to really appreciate Hrithik Roshan but have to admit his extreme good looks did make me assume something about him that was unfair. More on this in another post.

RA screencaps courtesy of RichardArmitageNet.com

Hrithik Roshan screencap is mine.