Tangent — I’m in a Funky Mood

This isn’t a critical commentary on fandom or my being a fangirl, or maybe it is. I’m not sure yet. Frankly, I would have loved to have participated more in the Berlin premiere festivities and all that’s ensued since. I just couldn’t. The events of my life for the last two and half weeks have been consuming and surreal. But first a little history.

For those who haven’t figured it out yet, and I think I said it one time on blog, SO is a vicar in a small town. Yes, that’s right, I’m Harry Kennedy. ;-) And as SO’s significant other, I’ve seen and done many things that sometimes confound me at how life has turned out. When I was pondering what I would be when I grew up, I don’t think anything to do with a vicar ever factored into it. And if someone had told me I would be intimately involved with a vicar, I would have laughed until I wet my pants. For the record, SO wasn’t a vicar for the first almost 20 years I knew him.

But SO being a vicar the last several years means we often deal with tragedy and sometimes deal with death. And when I say deal with it, I mean not only going where tragedy and death have occurred on occasion in order to help the people involved but also having an open door policy to our home, so that hurting and devastated people can come see us when they want. When my kids were little, we put a limitation on this, but despite that, my children have seen and heard a lot of what goes on in the world that’s ugly. We have had drunk people, beat up people, devastated people in our living room on many, many occasions. As to death, SO and I also see the side that most of the public does not see very often if at all — being with someone when they die, the coroner coming to call, the undertaker showing up not long after and sometimes witnessing the devastation left by someone who has killed himself. These are experiences I’ve had countless times since we moved to this place.

To top that off, for over ten years I sat on the board of a cemetery district which oversees cemeteries in a few of the little towns around here, and when you deal with small cemeteries, it means you may be overseeing burials. I’ve overseen countless burials and a couple of reburials, and that includes sometimes standing in an open grave. I remember one time standing in a particular grave where a woman being buried was to be placed beside her parents, who had died about 70 years earlier. When we were preparing the grave, the ground was very soft, and the coffin of one of her parents had shifted a little so that its corner was poking into the woman’s grave site. I looked over and the wood had rotted enough on the buried coffin that there was a hole big enough for my hands to fit in up to my shoulders, and I could see some of the blousy liner coming out of the hole. Yeah, that was creepy, but I got over it.

And I’ve gotten over so many things. Looking at a hole in a buried coffin is nothing. I’ve gotten over being with two teenage boys in the counseling room at the high school when SO told them (at their mother’s request) their dad had committed suicide an hour before, and they had to be told so that the town’s people wouldn’t break it to them. I got over watching a man rejected by his father on the father’s deathbed. I got over one of my closest friend’s sons being lost in the river and being with her when Search and Rescue came to tell her several days later that his body had been found 8 miles down the river. He was 18. I got over the guy down the street shooting himself in the head with a shotgun, and SO and I being asked to come to the place before it had been cleaned up. And I could go on and on with much worse.

Maybe I’m not completely over these things as it’s hard to type this. But when I say I’ve gotten over something, I mean enough to bounce back and do what needs to be done. That’s always been my best ability — to roll with the punches no matter what they are, and I’ve done it and done it and done it, but on Monday, December 9th and the following days, I was almost in a zombie like state.

What created my malaise was three deaths occurring the week before and then about 15 minutes before the premiere started, I got a call about a dear friend of mine who had been careflighted to the city and died within a few hours. No one knew she was ill. The next day I was talking to another friend and said to her how it’s eerie these things usually happen in threes, but this time it was four. As soon as I said it, I stopped and had the horrible thought that this was the beginning of the second three. The next day two more deaths occurred.

All of this is a very small part of the terrible events I’ve come close to over the last 15 years. I ask myself sometimes if it’s only SO’s profession which makes me privy to so much heartache. That’s some of it, but I’m not sure. I don’t know anything except that tragedy has become the norm. Most days I can deal with it, but sometimes I get overwhelmed, and I think that’s a good sign. May I never become so accustomed to horror that it has no effect on me.

Is there any wonder why I want to be lighthearted and laugh when I come here? Does that mean Richard Armitage or anyone else is a lesser person? I hope not. Just know that my blog and many of my comments are supposed to be fun for the most part, and to make it something that is life and death is not my intent, and that’s not a judgment on anyone else. It’s where I’m coming from.

Given all of this, I don’t want to forget the point, which is to love people as God loves, help others as often as I can, and never weary of doing good. And I appreciate this:

Pope-Francis-Kissing-disabled-Man

And I keep listening to this:

I had to get this post out of my system. Now that it’s done maybe I can get back to cutting up. And I’ll be giving my review of Desolation of Smaug and not whimping out by letting SO do it for me as I did last year. Just need to go see the movie and keep staying away from other reviews and spoilers.

#3, 2, 1 The Gift of Life

DonateLifeLogo Color PMSToday is my last post in this recent series of posts about Thanksgiving.

This post was originally drafted in three short posts, but obviously I’m having it in one go, and I will try not to make it too long.

The Gift of Life.

As I draft this, it’s very early Monday morning, and I will be going to work soon. But I’m sitting here reliving for about the thousandth time all that’s happened in my family this last year. SO is asleep beside me as I type, and when I look at him, big tears come into my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I think it’s a Knowshon moment. That’s when the magnitude of something seemingly mundane on most days hits like a wave. The wave is passing over me to such a degree I can barely type this. Emo? Yep. Very emo.

And I have such gratitude for a man named Mike. He gave a kidney to SO, and it changed our lives. He put himself through hell for almost eleven months to get this done, and all because he was grateful to God and wanted to give something in return. Through it all, Mike was always at ease and confident that it was going to happen, and he gives God credit for that peace and confidence. How can I do any less.

But saying thank you for this magnificent gift seems paltry. It’s the very minimum, and in the weeks after the surgery, I thought about what I could do to really show my gratitude. I would love to say I knew quickly, but honestly, I was so tired physically, I couldn’t think straight. My first inclination was to throw a party and praise God and Mike, and I did praise God and Mike, but eventually, the answer came to me so clearly I laughed. That’s my usual response to an epiphany. I chuckle because the answer has often been right in front of my face. And in this instance, what a lovely answer it is and the response God wants above all others.

I have also been given the gift of life, as we all have been given this gift. And it’s an absolved life. That’s a hard concept to grasp, but it’s there and not going away. I forget this more than I should, but thankfully, I’ve been coming to it more and more as I get older. It’s taken circumstances making me move myself out of the way in order to understand and keep understanding that it’s not what I can effect but rather passing on what’s been effected and continually effected by the Almighty. Specifically, grace. For me, I’ve been loved and forgiven and encouraged so many times, even when there were countless things I’ve done that I shouldn’t have or things I haven’t done that I should have. That grace has sustained me through it all. Without it, I wouldn’t be here, or at least not here with any semblance of a person. I would have been a shell acting like a person. Right now there is such a need to pass on that comfort, and I don’t ever want to forget to do it!

A few months ago I said I was a fighter, and yes, there are parts of me that are like a warrior. Those parts of me wanted to fight the people who seemed to be threatening SO’s life. But I don’t really want to fight people. I don’t think David really wanted to fight people. At least he didn’t start out that way. And Christ did not fight people. Told the truth? Yes, but fought? No, he didn’t do that. And I don’t want to do it either. I want to give what’s been given to me — a second chance at life myriad times.

And I know Mike will also appreciate this more than any words I could offer up.

Does all of this put me on the hook to be held accountable as some will see fit to do? You bet, and that’s okay.

note: When I decided to do this series of posts, I knew I would lose some followers. The subject matter in several of these posts is not what readers came for initially, so I did lose some followers. I totally understand that. But frankly, I lose and gain followers everyday and don’t put much stock in that ebb and flow. What I didn’t expect is that my gains would be much more than my losses, and that I would receive so many lovely notes from people who have no need to thump their chests nor a Bible but who love God. Thank you to all of you who have sent me notes and thank you to all of you who have deigned to follow my ramblings. And be forewarned I’m returning to the snark later today. :D