Diary of an RA Fan — Part 13 Now What?

See Diary Part 12 here, or to access all entries, hit “The Diary” tab above.

Entry — a couple of years ago shy a couple of months and a few days:

I’m over being hacked at the ending of Robin Hood Season 2. Well, I think I am. But if I ponder it long enough, I get irritated again. I just need something really good to watch, and I’m mad at myself for caring so much about something as lame as Robin Hood, which I didn’t even like to begin with! I just want to get lost in a character. I need to get lost in a really good story, but I’m too numb to read. Need something passive.

Right now I get up early in the morning, fix Mom and myself some coffee and toast or whatever she is able to eat, and then we head out for the bowels of the hospital. Usually we get there by 7:45am, and she is prepped for her radiation treatment by 8:00am. All told we’re there about an hour and a half each weekday morning. This is our third week of six weeks, and I feel that I’m getting to really know some of the people who come in for treatments. It’s a wonderful and terrible experience. I have never been a great crier, but I’ve had to forestall tears on several occasions. One day last week I couldn’t keep from it and had to retreat to a restroom to sob when a young child was wheeled in. The mother of the child was in a daze. The child is terminal and yet they are giving treatment to ease some pain. I have nothing to say. I can only cry.

The upside is that I have now spent a month of uninterrupted time with Mom, and that has not happened since I was a kid living at home. We have laughed and cried and made big plans. She’s dreaming of the day we can travel together. She wants to go to England and has begged me to go with her. I don’t know if I can do that, but I dare not tell her. I can’t ruin the dream. It’s something for her to hang onto. I did tell her that if she were feeling better in a year, we would do it! Not sure how I’m going to pull that off. But she got carried away after we watched North and South, and I got caught up in it and said, “We can be like Val and Gil in ‘The World of Henry Orient’ and stalk Richard Armitage!” She belly laughed and said she would be sure to wear one of her capes, and take a good collection of her hats or acquire more there. I would love it if I could arrange for her to meet him. She would be like a kid about that and get so much out of it. But really, he would love meeting her!

I was dreading this trip, but the truth is I love reverting to childhood with Mom. She was always able to be a child with me to the point of lying in the floor and coloring with me when I was little. She sang songs with me and had the uncanny ability to know the lyrics to every song whether old or new. Then there were the “shows” we put on. I remember one summer she had all the neighborhood kids in a backyard show that ran once a week for almost the whole summer. To cap it off Mom made the best treats. People loved coming to the “shows” just to consume her latest creation. And the costumes! which she made on a treadle sewing machine. Oh, there was nothing she couldn’t do. Truly an amazing person. I’m blessed.

And her dramatic flair that parenthood was never going to dim. A country could never contain her much less a mere room. My flair on the other hand was not nearly as pronounced, and I did let parenthood and life in general almost snuff it out! This time with her is reviving that and SO considers it an answer to his prayers. He had been mourning the loss of it and blaming himself. It wasn’t him. It was me. I put too much on myself. I’ve always put too much on myself because I’ve given myself too much credit for how things go down. I’m not that in control — only of my reactions. I’ve just deceived myself into thinking I am and let my joy be completely taken by the cares of the world. But I don’t want to come to the end and realize I have not let myself really live.

For now Mom and I are loving this time of watching movies together, and she is such a fiend for drama that it’s a joy to watch her in her element. It’s no wonder she loved being a trial lawyer. That’s half the job — the dramatics. How many conversations in my lifetime have we had about dramatics — the pacing of a movie, dialogue, camera angles, close-ups, an actor’s diction and demeanor? I have no clue. It’s been a blast to revisit that, and North and South is perfect for mining details. It really is a little gem of a piece.

In a few weeks I have to go back to my reality, to SO and the little SOs. Hopefully, it won’t be that dismal world I’d created for myself, and maybe Mom and I will make it to England.

edit: a little taste of ‘Henry Orient’

See Diary Part 14 here.

Screencaps courtesy of RichardArmitageNet.com and my stash.


  1. Woah… I have never seen that last pic/scene. Which movie is it from?

  2. The World of Henry Orient, and one of my all-time favorite movies. I think it’s on Netflix. FYI: I haven’t seen it in a while, so it may not be as great as I remember it.

  3. Look forward to the adventures of you and your Mom on that trip to England. Keep blogging in the meantime, and all the very best to you and family.

  4. Is great you got to spend more time with your mum and definitely looking forward to know more about your trip to London, enjoy the visit to the city and to stalk,..ahem, I meant and not to stalk RA :P

    OML ;)

  5. This was really moving and made me think about the boundaries I’ve been drawing around what I say on my blog. I so identified with this statement: “I just want to get lost in a character. I need to get lost in a really good story, but I’m too numb to read. Need something passive.”

    Though I haven#t stopped reading, I haven’t really gotten intensively involved in a book since Armitagemania began. I’d been worried that this is a symptom of something bad, but maybe it’s just a characteristic of this season of my life.

    I’m so grateful for your insights here.

  6. RAFrenzy, The World of Henry Orient is one of my favorites too and I showed it to my kid niece as soon as I thought she was old enough to handle some of the more mature themes. It was probably too soon but it’s such a gorgeous movie, I couldn’t help myself. :D

  7. I found the second half of Season 2 to be really flat. The Sheriff’s awesome lines dwindled into dialogues that was trying too hard, and the stories just weren’t as good. Perhaps, the writers were changing too often. Or they were forgetting that the show’s awesomeness depended on the element of “camp” and taking it too seriously. I don’t know. But after that last episode, i stopped watching. I had no interest in Season 3. (Also, I can’t stream it on Netflix).

  8. @That Fond Impossibility,

    We’re agreed except that I did watch Season 3, but then my obsessive/compulsive nature dictated that I complete the series. LOL!


    I watched it again last night, and it’s still good! I kept chuckling at some of the scenes in light of what I’ve been writing in this blog.


    Let yourself go! Or would you have to remake your identity to do that? It seems in this day and age that no one would really care except maybe family. Or is academia not as broad minded as we’ve been told? LOL!

    @fitzg and OML,

    Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be filling you in on all the shenanigans of me and momma. :D

    And yes, I feel very blessed to have spent that time with her. I’m just sorry it had to come about that way. Thank you for the good wishes.

  9. I didn’t get too upset about the end of S2 mainly because I came so late to the party that spoilers were unavoidable.

    Saw 3.5 today and really enjoyed the new Gizzy we seem to be getting now and oh my, he is looking so FINE….I can forgive almost anything about the storyline, writing, rest of the cast, etc for 5 minutes of super-hot Guy.

  10. LOL! Yeah, that S3 look almost sweeps away any angst about S2 — almost. I’m working myself up to go over every little thing I took away from those first two seasons. It may bore all of you, but I NEED to do this.

  11. i’m sorry i live so far away from my folks. I know my mom watched it since it was my sister who shared N&S for the first time last summer with me. But I would be watching it with her. Heck I would even try and get my dad to see it with me. I love that picture of Gizzy! That same sister got to go on a weekendtrip with my mom to the UK. The best part was that they played the Strike Back trailer in the hotel lobby and of course the joy could not be contained. She is just as gaga but not quite as far gone as me.

  12. Peter Sellers: a tortured man who gave us all the gift of some amazing art. Thank you for reminding me about his wonderful movies. I’m putting them on the Netflix list again right now….

  13. Thanks to you I watched “The World of Henry Orient” again last night. What a marvelous movie.

  14. That’s such a gem! And I love him. I need to do a post on my favorite Sellers movies. Pink Panther not included. Ack!

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